After being a 4.0 English student for three years running, getting 2.0s on two papers has really killed my writing self-esteem. I have 50 minutes to submit this paper, and I am spending more time doubting myself than I am writing. At this point in time I just want to submit it. Any grade is better than a 0.0, but I'm still afraid.

This is killing me.

I have never been this anxious about a paper before.

Got married. Am happy as can be.

Whoever said marriage was a ball and chain lied. I feel more free and secure in my relationship with J now than I ever did before.

(Credit: Unknown)

I've been reading a lot of books lately. More importantly, I'm reading a lot of books about women being awesome lately. This probably has something to do with the fact that I have the Kindle app on my iPhone, which basically means that I no longer have to lug around a paperback in addition to every other single schoolbook I have to carry to my classes.

Most recently I've read "Let's Take The Long Way Home" by Gail Caldwell, a really great memoir about her friendship with Carolyn Knapp. Believe me when I say it is really great. I cried at least three times. At one point in time I just sat there with tears pouring down my face as I read the book, and there was nothing anyone could do to get me to put the book down until I was ready.

I'm currently in the middle of reading "Are You My Guru?" by Wendy Shanker, which is also very good. She is completely honest about her life, and her body, and very brave for putting her huge, enormous struggle into a book for anyone to see. I'm only halfway through, but loving every minute.

I also am about to start reading "Half The Sky" by Nicolas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. I am very excited, but nervous. Reading a book like that always digs down deep somewhere in my heart and soul, and stories manage to break my heart.

My Mom and Nana have gone on vacation with my aunt and uncle for a few days. This is the first vacation my mother has gone on in over 10 years, so I'm really excited for her. I hope she has a ton of fun. Also good news, this means that for the next five days, it is just Jared and I in the house. I don't have to cook for anyone but him and I, so I don't have to cater to my mother's tastebuds, which are super sensitive due to all the medications she's on. There's no constant interruptions to the conversations and time Jared and I are spending together, it is just us. I cannot wait.

Yesterday in dance class, Martha talked about "Graceful Perservance". I intellectually I understand what it is, but I feel as if my heart hasn't quite understood that concept. This week, I am choosing to meditate on that idea, dig deep and learn what it means to me, and begin to ingest this idea of graceful perserverance in my life. I'm not sure how that will manifest itself yet, but I will let you know when it does.

I'm getting married in Nov. The 6th, actually. Surprise. I'm delighted. Ecstatic. I'm not scared. Jared and I said our vows to each other a while ago. We act like a married couple. We function as a married couple. But I cannot wait to share this with our family and friends.

I think no matter how long it's been since we've split up, thunderstorms are always going to remind me of laying in my bed on the phone with you, and hushed conversations where you told me stories to distract me from them.

Dear Self,
Just because your head is an unhappy and horrible place to be right now, it does not mean you should allow that hurt that you feel to spread any further and turn your heart into a toxic wasteland.
Love,
Me

The wonderful thing about spending time at my in-laws house is the fact that I can spend my time acting like I'm part of the conversation going on, even partake in it, and devote most of my attention to analyzing and thinking things over in my brain. And in the 3 hours that I was with them, that is all that I could come up with:

I am ashamed.

I am ashamed to be writing this. I am ashamed this happened in my own family. I am ashamed I did not speak up about it when it first happened. Instead, I simply left until I could work my thoughts and feelings out and then come back to the table and say:

"W is why Jared and I did X, and this is why situation Y will never ever happen again. And if situation W ever happens again, situation Z will occur."

In this case:

W = My cousins Jake and Andrew running their mouths and using the words "beaner" and "cracker" at the table in a derogatory fashion (wait, wait. Let me clarify: to me, those words are ALWAYS derogatory, and I do not like them), and furthermore "beaner" being used towards another family member, and also joined with an accusation of theft.

X is equal to Jared and me getting up and leaving the table, and sitting in the other room. This was followed quickly by the two of us leaving the whole damn house, and going over to his parents.

Y is the situation that occurred immediately after we left, in which my family complained about our abrupt departure from the table and the house to my parents, and the indication that we are snobbish and do not want to be part of the family. (My response to this is: "If racial comments are to be the accepted norm, and jokes being made that disrespect other cultures, then NO, I do not want to be part of this family.")

Z = the part where I get up and calmly explain that being a racist is never cool and comments that degrade, insult, mock, or otherwise impugn the character of another person based on their culture or skin color will not be tolerated, and the continuation of such behavior will get them in great amounts of trouble.

My grandmother wants the peace kept in this house. Sometimes, things have to be a little rocky so there can be true peace. And I will keep disturbing the peace and speaking my mind until things change.

This house will never be peaceful until everyone who steps in it realizes that this is a place of respect and love, for both family and every other culture on this planet. At one point in time, it was. I remember people coming by our house to seek my Pa out for welding jobs. I remember that he was kind and fair to everyone, and charged them much less than he should have. I remember that he treated the Mexican man who couldn't speak English with as much respect as he did the overly rich white guy from the good part of town. That was the expectation in this house. And it is very disheartening to me, knowing that those ideals are long gone.

When Jared and I have our own apartment, I want that to be known. I want any person I meet or come across to realize that our house is a safe place, where we respect and encourage dialogue and the exchange of ideas and friendship.

Another Hump Day where Jared and I don't go to class. Jared is sick, something close to a kidney infection, mom thinks.And since mom is like, the kidney problem guru since she had kidney failure, dialysis, and now a kidney transplant, I'm inclined to believe her. I'm making him drink green tea (which will help clean out toxins without the kidney working overtime) First and foremost, though, there's a very very large glass of cranberry juice he is delighted about (which I think he is crazy for because unless it is with some other delicious juice, cranberry juice does not taste good to me) Mostly, though, I'm pretty excited about spending the day at home with him, and writing with him.

Mom made potato pancakes this morning, and after one bite I had to immediately go share with Jared, who was still in bed. They are amazing and delicious and all sorts of other things. combined with the leftover corn dogs we made last night, lunch was delicious today.

Here's the recipe for the corn dog batter. We kept the spices out last night (Mom isn't a big fan of them) but they taste excellent either way.
NOTE: this recipe will make enough batter for approximately 16 hot dogs, and have some left over (I just added corn meal to thicken it, and dropped it by the spoonful into the oil to make cornbread balls).

Delicious Corn Dogs
1 1/2 c cornmeal
1 1/2 c flour
2 T brown sugar
1 T chili powder
1 t cayenne (less if you don't like yours spicy)
1 1/2 t baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t salt
1 1/4 milk
3 eggs
1 T canola oil

Combine the dry ingredients (in this case, sugar is a dry ingredient) and then add the wet. Mix together. Coat the hot dogs in a light dusting of flour, and then dip into the batter. Fry in hot oil until golden brown. Drain on a paper towel and then serve.

Oh look, more potato pancakes. Yum.

This is the guy who got lost on his way to pick me up for our first date.

This is the guy who makes personal connections with people everywhere we go.

This is the guy who gets excited about food I make, so excited that he shakes and hugs me in glee.

This is the guy, who, on his worst day, still treats every person he comes in contact with the same as he always does - with respect, dignity, and kindness.

This is the guy who is a conisseur of everything - from beer to clothes to drywall supplies.

This is the guy who is constantly shadowboxing to improve his skills.

This is the guy that drinks tea every day.

This is the guy who says he'll treat me like a princess; and then he does.

This is the guy who plays with me, and will watch kids movies and enjoy them as much as I do.

This is the guy who uses the term "snuggleupagus" in public.

This is the guy that calls me beautiful, and means it.

This is the guy that I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

This is the guy.

This is quite possibly one of my favorite songs, and this dance is just superb.

"I knew it from the start, and my arms are open wide, my head is on your stomach and we're, we're trying so hard not to fall asleep"

Today is Wednesday, and Wednesdays in the Petrakovitz-Moore household are generally wonderful. Jared does not have to work, I don't have to work, and as it becomes warmer and warmer, we skip class more frequently, and spend our days having fun and playing.

Today instead of going to class, we slept in and then went on a two hour drive in the countryside. We went through Homer (which is a charming little town that I love), Litchfield, and Jonesville, Moscow, and back to home. Then there was delicious corned beef brisket and cabbage in St. Patrick's day celebration, and Top Gear episodes with Uncle George and Auntie when they came by.

I love days like this, when is is just Jared and myself doing what we want to do.

I can spend weeks, months of time just alone with him and never get sick of him. Most people would say that we're still in the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship, but I would call bull on that so fast. With all the drama Jared and I have experienced with the drama club, his parents, and many other people, I would say the rose covered glasses came off in July, and they've stayed off.